What You Have And I Want
by mikaera
Summary: ANGSTANGST about Kai.. He already remembers his past in the abbey, but then, what happened before that? Someone has the answers for his past, and he needs to find out alone, it doesn't matter what it costs. No pairings.
1. Prologue

**Yeah! Here me with the new stories! I have so many ideas inside my head, OMG, I already started a story today… T.T **

**Well… now… a short story but not oneshot… and IT'S NOT ROMANCE.**

**Here you are…**

**From Kyle, with love… LOL**

**ANGSTANGST about Kai n.n I love him, live with it. **

**This story is weird thinking it from my writing style and my personal opinions about Kai's history, which you've read in previous fics. But I came up with this idea, and I think it's interesting. Now, please tell me what you think about it. **

**AND DON'T SCROLL DOWN UNLESS YOU'RE READING, COZ IT WILL LOSE SENSE! PLEASE.! **

**Disclamer: I don't own beyblade nor Kai nor any beyblade character, but I own the characters (OCs) I'll mention in the next chapter.

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**What You Have and I want**

Prologue

How long have I been traveling? I'm unaware of the time with all this things in mind.

I watch the snow fall slowly at the other side of the window. Russia is cold… very cold. It's winter, and that only makes things worse. Years ago I would have never thought I would be traveling, with only seventeen years old, to Russia… to see you.

I can't even remember you really. I just know what others told me about you, I know your name, and by chance I didn't forget it already.

I don't know if I loved you, if I hated you. It seems as if I had forget everything during the time I was in that cold place, surrounded by concrete walls, stone floors, high cupules and disgusting men.

Did you leave me there? I don't think so. Something must have happened and I'm going to find it out. My past was never revealed to me… never. Anyone seems able to tell the truth that hides behind my name… my surname.

Why do I live? How was I born? Haven't you ever questioned things like that? And when you can't find an answer to them, you start looking for it deeper, and deeper… that's how I got involved with Boris again three years ago.

I needed the answers of my past… and I knew he had them. But what shall I do now? Shall I go and ask for them to grandfather, who might be lying on a hospital bed unable to move or breath on his own? No. I'm coming back to you.

There was always a shadow beside me, a shadow I'd never understand unless you help me to do it. Yes. I'm asking for help. I'm demanding you to help me. Because you're the only one who can do it. You're the only one who can puzzle out this code that's on my mind.

Snowflakes hit the train window. I love when they do that. I love storms, any kind of them. They help me to concentrate and focus on my aims… and my aim, this time, are the answers. The answers that only you can give me.

I have to admit, I am afraid. I'm afraid of what will be your reaction… I'm afraid of returning to Russia after the years I've been away from here… and I'm uncertain of how much time this will take… so I'm afraid it'll take forever.

My fear… won't let me sleep. It's three in the morning and my eyes are wide opened since I left at ten o'clock. I can't sleep but I know I have to. Tomorrow I won't be able to think either.

I have not eaten, I have not drunk anything. The little food I got on the train is still there with my luggage. I don't take a lot with me. Just a few t-shirts and a pair of trousers, just in case this takes more than a day… what I hope not.

I don't want to see you or him. But you live together, and if I want my answers, then I'll have them back. It doesn't matter what it costs. I always get what I want.

Looking back at me, I see that I never stopped being a cold-hearted. Did you do this to me? Did you transform me in what I am? I don't think so. I think _they_ did. But then I am wondering again.

That's what I want to stop doing. I want to stop thinking about what could, may and might be, and instead think about what it was, what I am. What I truly am. Not the stories that those who brought me up told me… those are lies… whole lies.

I want the truth… And if you really knew me then you would know that I won't stop until I find them… until I find it.

Finally… it seems I'm arriving in Stadavok. That journey was driving me mad. I step out of the train doors and wander around. Not familiar… I would swear I've never been in this place… but anyway… I know I have.

I find it at last. The house I've been looking for my entire teenager life. I look again at the map, in case I made some mistake but not… I never make mistakes… is that another secret to be revealed? Will you reveal it to me?

I hardly knock the wooden door, a hundred percent sure that this is the house. "Open the door!" I shout. I know there's someone inside… lights are on… but maybe you won't open the door?

The fact that someone unknown is stepping out of your door in the middle of the storm scares you… I know.

"What do you want?" your voice. Your voice sounds like that of the woman who has been through a long, harsh winter. Are you old?

"Open the door!" I shout again. Won't you listen to me?

"At least tell me your name!" you ask again. If you're really living with him, then he should be the one to open the door in a day like this, don't you think? But no. There you are… asking me questions… when I'm the one who came looking for answers.

"I said open it dammit! The name is Kai." I answer at last. Maybe that way you'll open and I will stop freezing out here.

"Who are you?!" you ask again. dammit, I should have never come. But anyways… maybe if I tell you who I am… and how you're related to me… you'll open. Here I go. I'll say it.

"I… I am your Son."

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**TBC,**

**Review. **


	2. This House

**Thank you Rina and Öykü for the awesome reviews you left! And thank you all the ones who got interested in this story and are just reading this. **

**As you've realized, this is a Kai's POV and will keep that way through the whole story. I've never made a first person story before, and this is just an attempt for some. **

**Yes, Kai's planning to confront his parents, but I won't say more. I'm just glad you're enjoying this fic. **

**REMEMBER NOT TO SCROLL DOWN UNLESS YOU'RE READING**

**Disclaimer: I don't own beyblade and never will, and already assumed that. But I own the characters I still not mention in this chapter and Halina Nukomo. **

**Well, here it's chapter one.

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What you have and I want

Chapter 1: This House

I stare in confusion at the roof of the house I used to call home long, long ago. I don't even know why I accepted to stay here… just until the sun comes out, when we can discuss things better. Maybe the things you said aren't clear enough for me so I find staying as a must… a must to make understanding possible.

I arrived here at four… and it's already six am. I can't sleep, I know I won't sleep for a long time. But then what? I'm also used to that… my nightmares hunt me for long nights in which my eyelids don't stick… and I have already learned to tolerate tiredness.

When I stepped in the house entrance and you opened the door, I have to admit, I hadn't imagined you as you are. I thought you would probably be a tough woman, to whom years had hit hard, wrinkles in your body, probably wearing glasses and a stick. You're not that older… I was face to face with a woman as tall as me. Long, black hair resting loose on your shoulders and back, some wrinkles present in your face and hands, proper of the years you carry with you. A gray coat covered your entire body, and I guess you were wearing boots.

And your eyes… for me they were the clue that I hadn't mistaken house. Crimson, peaceful and concerned eyes staring at me… in such confusion and bewilderment. Adding to that were some tears… you were crying. I didn't understand a thing… I just stared at you wondering what you were thinking about me.

You looked at me from head to toe, maybe trying to wake up from some dream. A complete stranger who affirmed not to be a stranger at all… that's what I was and am now from your point of view. For some reason you finally spoke, asking me to go inside.

I was afraid… I didn't know what was waiting for me inside the building… maybe the memories I missed? Maybe just dust and what is left out of an old building? Maybe it was just you… and him?

I could see how a smile supposed to be welcoming (but which seemed more a complicit one to my eyes) drew itself in your lips. Were you expecting me?

I stepped inside at last… I'd been in more inhospitable places than this one, I had nothing to fear. As soon as you closed the door behind me, in complete silence both of us, I gasped at your sudden movement… I wasn't expecting contact this soon…

But I still had the rest of my senses, I might have been confused but I was not asleep. I pushed myself away from the embrace you tried to give me… no… it was not the time. And it might never be.

"Nyet." I denied, instinctively using my mother language. I was not nervous… or maybe I was? Well at least I tried not to show it, and I'm good enough at acting for you not to realize I was afraid.

Your eyes reflected pain and guilt at the same time. You might believe I'm truly your son, you might even remember my face… but I don't remember you. I was just given a paper with the address of a woman named Halina Nukomo who turned to be… the name that once I had been told it was my mother's.

Now if I think about my reaction, I know it was a normal one for someone who has never been in touch with anybody. I never let anyone hold me in that way since I have memory… and with you I won't make an exception.

However the things you said are still around my mind. You thought… I was dead? You thought I'd never come back here? What did you do to me to think I would never return? Maybe I wasn't wrong in thinking that you were the one that made me be what I am.

Many things were around my head when you started talking. I was afraid, but that fear started to disappear once I thought you were leaving alone, and realized you are not strong enough to hurt me. But now that fear is back again…

I thought you were leaving alone because after all you were the one to open the door and receive me. But thinking so was a mistake. Otherwise how do you explain the two cups on the table, showing two people were leaving inside the house? You're not alone.

The roof needs painting. The house is too old, the floors are dusty and they creaked when I walked to this room. So this used to be my room, you said?

It's a cold room. The roof is tall and there is nothing inside it but a bed, in which I'm lying. It's not a big place, maybe enough for a five-years-old, the last time I was here I was that age. The floors are dirty, and the bed too. The whole room seems like if it was abandoned years ago.

You gave me some blankets to cover myself with… but they're there on the other side of the bed. I don't need them, I'm not cold.

It seems like I lost all my senses here, except that one which indicates me to runaway. But I won't follow it… not until I find out my past, not until you answer the so many questions I have to make you.

Truly I forgot everything… I'm so confused. When I was back at the abbey, three years ago, as I started to explore, memories started to return. But this isn't that way this time… well, certainly I haven't explored this house yet. What if I did that now?

Silently I step out from the bed. I have no intentions of waking you up… not when I know he's here. The floor of this room is wooden, so it keeps warm even when the temperature outside is 36 degrees Celsius below zero. I guess that's another thing that made me accept staying.

I open the door and cover my ears when it cracks. I thought it would make that awful noise, after all, everything seems antique here. I look outside, at the hallway. Back in the abbey I knew where I was going but now everything seems very strange… I know what I'm looking for… but I don't know where to find it, or where I shall start from.

When you led me to this room, for me to have some rest, I saw a ladder. I wander where does it take to? I repeat the way that I came here… I can remember it clearly, I won't lose a second of anything while being here.

Yeah… there it is. It seems it takes to some top room, an attic or something like that. Shall I follow it? If what I'm looking for is long forgotten, then I should. There I go… I try to be silent, but the old floor won't help with this. I hope it won't wake you up, and I **beg** it won't wake** him** up.

I reach the top of the stair… this place is less hospitable than the room where previously was. Spider webs all around, my god, you haven't been here in ages. A pile of books in a corner of the room calls my eye. They seem old… very old, as everything else in this house.

I took the first one and wipe the dust on top of it. It looks like a diary… could it be? The key is thrown there in the floor, at least one key. I try it… and it works. If you didn't want this to be seen, then why did you left the key so close?

I open the book… maybe the answers I'm looking for are here, I should check inside. There are no more than three or four lines written for each day, all of them written in the Cyrillic alphabet… it's Russian. November 9th is the first one I check, if that's my birthday, then I'll probably find some important thing here… but I can't understand a thing. Out loud I read again what's written in the old sheet.

" '_What is what you really want my little grandson?' he told him this morning. And Kai put up his sight and honestly said 'I want to show dad… to prove him… I'm worth enough to go with him.'_

What the hell is this? Did I say that?" I keep talking out loud. Damn thing I didn't realize I was thinking in words.

"What did you just say?" a voice interrupts me, scares me behind me.

Abruptly I turn round to face whoever found me here, hoping it's my imagination and I haven't wake non of you up.

But it's not my imagination… it's you. You're looking at me with those crimson eyes, but they reflect no anger. They seem concerned and worried.

"You can't sleep?" you ask. I wouldn't have guessed you were not mad at me for exploring the house. I just shake my head slightly at your question. "Would you like to have something to drink?" you ask again.

But this time I just breath slowly, and stare at you unable to give an answer. You understand my uncertain look, and smile comprehensively. That only confuses me more… I don't want you to understand me, I want to understand you.

"Come on, I'll prepare you some tea." You say, going back downstairs. And I follow. I have no idea why I'm going, but I follow you… and keep the book with me.

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**TBC,**

**Review.**


	3. Him

**Okay, here with the next chapter. Lots of thanks for your encouraging reviews, I hope you keep reading and reviewing people. **

**This is a longer chapter I guess, and the part in _italics _it's a dream kks?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own beyblade and never will… I own Halina Nukomo and him. Muhahaha if you want to find out who 'him' is… well, read.

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What you have and I want

Chapter 2: Him

I won't ask if I can keep the book I'm holding now tight against my chest. Whatever I do is my decision, and after all it seems it's my past what's written in here.

I follow you to the kitchen. The two cups I saw before on the table are still there, so it wasn't my imagination. You're with him.

The kitchen is not so big. There is a round, wooden table in the middle, three chairs around it, there is a cupboard above the oven. This place seems less abandoned than the rest of the house, at least than the other rooms where I've been.

I don't feel like sitting. I stand next to the table, placing a hand on it, and look at you preparing the tea. I don't know if I'll drink it yet… I don't need anything, I'm fine.

Once a while you turn around to look at me. I hate when you do that, I feel as if I was an alien or strange creature you've never seen before. I'm a human, don't you get it? I'm just a guy looking for answers that were never given to him.

"I wont hurt you, you know that?" you ask. But I just keep staring at you. I'm not sure of giving an answer, my past experiences taught me not to trust anybody but myself.

"What are you fearing, Kai?" you inquire again. No way in hell I'm revealing my fears to a complete stranger. Mother or not, I don't know you and won't tell you how I feel.

"He's not home, Kai." you seem to like repeating my name. "He left just before you arrived, that's why I was awake at that time." You explain. This time I can't help sighing relieved. And you notice.

I can't tell how you do it, but you read my eyes as if there were words on them, telling how I feel, what I think, what I fear. I feel the necessity to tell you something this time. "My father… left his house years ago." I say, telling you the only thing I know for sure about my progenitor. Knowing we're alone makes me feel much comfortable, and maybe I try opening up a bit, just the minimum needed to keep talking.

"He… he returned. Demyan returned home three years ago, Kai." I stare in confusion. But I prefer to keep that topic out of my mind by now. I don't want to remember him… not when I have many other things to worry about.

"What you just read…" you start, I guess referring to the diary I have kept. "… is what I wrote about you. When you lived here." You explain. It seems you don't mind sharing with me what's written here. But then I was right. This diary is not yours, it's mine. I actually said that, now what I need to find out, is why.

"He didn't let you go with him." You continue. "You were so young to be involved in the outside world, at least that's what we thought. You didn't like beyblade."

"Didn't I? And then why I got involved with my grandfather's organization?" I ask. It's time to ask you whatever comes to my mind. As he's not home, I feel free to tell you whatever I want to tell you.

"Because… you wanted to be like your father." You explain.

I tight my fists at your sentence. I wanted to be like him? I open my mouth to say something, but no word comes out of it. I just let my body fall in one of the chairs, and hold my head with both hands, my elbows on the table. My acting skills to pretend everything's alright fail sometimes, and now I know they're failing. How could I be so stupid? Why would I want to be like the bastard my father was?

You place the cup in front of me. "Here you are." You say, ignoring the pain I'm going through. I would have guessed you would start worrying about me, you would have asked what happened to me in that moment, as everybody else does when I stop looking emotionless.

I stare at the brownish liquid, the hot vapor warms the skin on my face. It smells good, maybe I should try and drink some. I put up my sight again and watch you turn round and sit in front of me. Are you trying to inspire confidence by looking at me that way? The placid smile on your thin lips stays still, you seem to like my company. I don't care what you feel, I'm already having a hard time dealing with my own feelings to worry about yours.

You hold your left hand with your right one, both together over the table, in front of you. You're still wearing that grey coat, while I'm just covered by a sweater and I'm not cold. I keep the eye contact, though it's something quite difficult for me, I try not to lose it, afraid that you may think I'm weak, and I'm not weak. Finally you break it.

You stare blank at the wooden table, and slowly move your left hand towards mine. I feel my breath grow faster, but I do anything to prevent what I guess will be your next movement. My hands rest now on the table and yours is getting closer to my right one.

I follow it with my sight, I don't want to lose a second of what you're doing. At last you reach my hand, and I feel a chill ran through my spine when you touch it. I left my gloves on the room, now I remember, my hands are exposed and I'm not used to it.

You place your hand on top of mine, slowly dragging it to your side. I just breath slowly and do anything to prevent it, after all, it seems there is much more information in this place then what I came looking for, and it's obvious it'll take more than a day for me to process it all.

I with my hand still clutched in both of your hands, I feel it's safe and drive my calculating sight back to the cup in front of me. I grab it with my left hand, the one I have free on this moment, and take it slowly to my lips. It's hot. I don't know if I really _needed_ a tea, but it will work for the few food I have ate.

Keeping the cup on my hand I glance at the clock on the kitchen wall. Eight am… sunrise in Russian winter is about eleven… it will be dark for some more time. I gasp at your hand caressing mine, and you just smile again. It doesn't look like you'll hurt me, at least from what I can see.

I sigh when I notice my eyelids are tired… maybe this time I demanded a lot from my body… it's more than thirty hours since my last sleep, and I don't think I will be able to handle it for much more time. In any case, knowing he's not at home makes me feel much comfortable and maybe I manage to sleep a little.

I take the cup again to my lips, and drink at once half of the liquid. Then I sight, you let my hand go and I look at you. "Do you want to try and sleep for a while?"

"Maybe…" I answer, standing up and grabbing the diary, that had been placed on the table. I walk back to the room I was before, and notice you stayed in the kitchen. Or you're been very respectful, or you're afraid of me. I can't tell by now, but I'm sure I'll discover it with time. Probably I decide to stay a while more here… I know me, and can tell I want to see him, it doesn't matter I'm afraid of him.

I sit on the bed and smirk as it creaks. Ha, everything's too old. I guess I'll try to sleep, I close my eyes resting my head on the pillow and breath slowly. Sooner than I expected I realize I'm letting it go and falling asleep.

_The place is covered by white snow. There are some trees but not a lot. It's cold, I can tell because the people is wearing winter coats and proper clothes for this temperature. I frown at the sight of a child. He looks very similar to me, though he looks happier. He's running in the snow, towards someone… _

_Two blurred figures are waiting for him with their arms opened. I can't tell a lot, they're vague and unclear. But one of them is a woman, and the other is a man. I keep walking towards them, in order to see better. They don't seem to notice me, or maybe they're too busy paying attention to the kid, running happily towards them. The woman is tall, black haired and has a calm smile on her face. While the man is tough, brown hair and black eyes, his hands give the impression he has been through hard work years… nevertheless he looks handsome in some way. _

_Finally he gets them, he laughs joyfully when they hold him in a warm embrace. The man kisses his forehead, and calls him 'son'. Something here sounds strange to me, I can hear their voices but I'm faraway from them. I gasp when the woman kisses the man's cheek and then holds their child on her arms, walking away. _

_I try to follow, but look around when I find myself inside a house… when it's only two meters I've walked. I look around… it's a living room. There are two armchairs on the corner, and a small, square table between them. The roof is high, and there is a wooden door on one of the sides. I turn my gaze to the people coming from the opposite side, they are the same from before. _

_However the woman looks sad, I can even see tears forming on the corner of her eyes. What's going on…? The kid is in fact crying. "Dad! Please!" he calls, or better, pleads. _

"_I can't let you come Kai! You are to stay with your mother!" replies hardly the tall man. I feel in some way I have to do with all this. I feel they're hiding something to my eyes… I step back, my heart pondering hard against my chest… I don't want this man to leave his child… "Don't abandon him!" I try to say, but when I look again I can only see the man leaving through the wooden door, and another man, this one older, coming inside. I know this person… it's… it's my grandfather…_

I sit on the bed, sweat covers my forehead, and my breathing is hard and fast. "He left him… he left the kid… and his mother… he left them alone…" I speak out loud, still not realizing I'm in this house. My heartbeat starts to slow, and my breathing relax, then I'm able to look at my watch. It's eight pm and already dark again… I can see I overslept… it was something obvious, I had been awake for a long time.

I look around and then I realize I'm covered by the blankets… someone was here, I hope I didn't talk in dreams. What was that about? I need to find out… I need to ask you about it, now I can talk freely, he's not here.

I let my feet fall from the bed and they walk me back to the kitchen, where I find you. You're sitting in one of the chairs reading a newspaper, it's black and white and written in Russian. You put up your sight when you realize I'm inside the room. "Are you feeling better?" you ask. I wasn't feeling bad.

I just nod, and sit in a chair, again, in front of you. "I have something to ask you." I start. I don't know if it's your smile or what, but you truly inspire confidence, and this time I need to ask you a lot of things.

"Tell me." You say, putting emphasis on the first word. But in the same instant I open my mouth to say something, I hear a noise in the front door… a noise that seems the one of a key, unlocking it.

I look at your face, you close your eyes as if you knew what's going to happen. I turn around again, and stare at the door as it opens. A man comes in… he's tough, tall, brown hair and black eyes… he's the man that was there on my dream, just some years older. He has some wrinkles, not many, no moustache and no beard… he stares in shock at me.

I drive my eyes to his, intending to calm my fastened heartbeat by making an eye contact, by reading through his sight…

But I only make things worse… I can see fear, guilt, shock, happiness, horror, confusion… every emotion is present in those black, deep eyes. While my emotions are very clear, I'm feeling anger, hate, resentment, rage, disgust… and deep in my heart… fear. I guess he can notice it by the changing look on his face…

I turn round in a second to face you, your lips are tight against each other, and your look is worried… I turn back to face him, he's still with the same horror face than before… and I run past him, through the opened door, far away to where my feet can take me.

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**TBC,**

**Review! **


	4. Numb

**Hi people!! Thanks for the wonderful reviews you left, you're helping so much with the support and I want to keep updating. Anyway, I apologize for the delay… and I want to tell you, my dad read the story… yeah…**

**With that, what happened in the last chapter… well I'll tell you then what happened. I'm ok, don't worry. **

**Now on with the chapter… you'll want to kill me when it ends… maybe. **

**And, I almost forgot, I'm probably going to make the same story from Kai's mother's point of view, tell me what you think about that idea.

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What you have and I want 

Chapter 3: Numb

I didn't even close the door behind me when I left the house. I jumped the three stairs of the entrance at once, and short after I was already half a block from the building.

I don't know why I had to react this way… I'm not wearing any coat and it's really cold out here… it was much better inside, but not with him… I can't stay…

I know I said I wanted to meet him, but I never thought this would happen, I guess I should have been stronger and confront him, not runaway… but I'm feeling this desire of running away since the exact moment I stepped inside the house, and now, with those black piercing eyes staring at me in confusion, it became stronger… and uncontrollable.

My feet are not tried, my body is not tired at all and I'm not feeling anything… I don't know since when I began to feel this numbness but is helping because this way I can keep running. Most of the people is already inside their houses, they must have gone inside because of the snow storm that has just started.

I feel the snowflakes hit against my body while I run, they drench my cloth and that really will make things worse. I'm running aimlessly, I have nowhere to go and I left the map at the house… man, each time I remember the building I can't help remembering him…

There's too much information I need to process, so much scenes, the dream I had is mixing with reality, and now I remember it clearly, after my father left the house, Voltaire was the man who came inside… I can't say it was that fast in reality, but I'm pretty sure that's a memory and I need to know more…

It's a shame I can't ask you freely now, I had no time to ask you because he arrived just when we started talking… you knew he was coming, and said nothing… you didn't warn me, even though you knew I was fearing his arrival, the way you closed your eyes and pressed your lips tells more than anything you could have said… you knew it.

And the way he looked… he was so confused, and so shocked… I guess he didn't expect me but in some way that gives me an advantage… I was expecting he lived in the house, I knew since the very first moment I got into the train I would have to face him but he doesn't know I am here in Stadavok, looking for answers, looking for my past, and looking for you.

Everyone had told me you were dead. I refused to believe it, though, until someone I can't remember his name told me an address... your adress… and curiosity is my weakest point. If you were dead and the house had been burnt as I had been told during the time I was in the abbey, I would only find an empty place, or maybe a huge building, built over the ground where my past _home_ was. But if you were not dead, and there's were my curiosity overcame me, I would find you, the house, and the answers I needed the most.

I'm getting closer to a river… I can listen the harbor's noise… even though the river is frozen in many places, there's some of it that keeps in activity. I stop when I get to the railing that separates the ground from the water…

I realize then I don't know the city, as if I'd never been here. There are some trees near the coast, all obviously frozen. The houses are about 200 meters away, from this place everything seems so cold and emotionless… they're all grey and white, repeated colors. I guess I can see some cupules from this place, what remembers me things I prefer not to think about.

After all, Russia's characterized by that kind of structures… I can see them anywhere, and I think I saw a couple more when I first arrived to the city. The churches and the schools, all include them.

There are some lights, not many, blurred because of the snowstorm. The water is almost frozen, it's quite dark and that gives me a peaceful sensation. There are no people here… it's really cold outside. There is a ship on the harbor, but the people working on it doesn't seem to notice my presence, after all, they're about two blocks away and busy with their duty, they're preparing a ship to sail. I don't know if it's ten or twenty blocks I've run.

My breath is heavy, and that's not helping because the air is cold, and I know that if I inhale too much cold air I may get ill… and that's exactly the last thing I want.

I can see my breath, white air coming out of my mouth. I guess I exceeded my body with that run, I can hardly feel my legs and arms, my heartbeat is very fast and my breathing doesn't seem to calm down… I know I should be prepared and trained for that, but I can't bare this cold… it must be about -30 degrees Celsius… and I'm not accustomed to this temperatures.

I rest my back against the concrete railing, the snowstorm hasn't stopped, instead it's becoming harder. I wonder if I will be able to go back? I wonder if I'll die here and never see you again? And what if you find me here? By the time you come, I'll be long frozen resting on the snow… I've heard that dying frozen is not a hard thing to happen, and the snow being about 50 cm, I doubt that won't happen.

You might care about me, Halina, but Demyan doesn't… I can tell by the look on his face. I guess that if I die here that's the picture that won't let my head in peace. His black and deep eyes looking at me… the horror and confusion expression he held. And about you, I might remember your face when you knew what was going to happen… when you didn't warn me he was coming… I thought you cared, and you'd tell me if something like that was going to happen…

I realize I'm so afraid of you both… I'm afraid of what you can make me, what you can do, but most of all, I'm afraid of what you can tell me. I have to admit I had convinced myself that you were dead… I had even imagined you there in the sky and stared at you… while you stared at me. Those were simple illusions of a confused mind. Now you're alive, I had a slight hope you'd love me… I wanted to be loved… I wanted to feel the heat and warm that, I guess, only a family can give you… but I hadn't thought about reality.

You exist, and you don't love me… I can't tell you hate me either, but about Demyan, I know it's completely the opposite. I can tell by the look on his face that he must hate me, he must think I'm the most disgusting person he has ever known… and after all, he's supposed to be my father.

I gasp worried when I notice my breathing's becoming harder and I'm starting to desperate… I wanted to know me before I died… I wanted to know my past, and then I could die in peace… but it seems people never get what they want, and I won't get what I want either… I may die this night… without my past, and without my parents.

I don't really mind the last thing, I've always lived alone and I've learned to take care of myself without needing you. But I really wanted to know me deeply… I was always a mystery to my own self, I drifted about many things and never got to know why I am like I am… I realize I will never know it. Not now… not now that everything's about to finish.

I remember my dream, which confuses slightly with reality… and then I remember the times I was in the abbey, the situation with Black Dranzer, when I left to Japan… the Bladebreakers, when I was back in Russia… then the other teams I was part of in the Teams Championship… when Boris returned… when I stayed in Japan because no one wanted me to go back to Russia… and when someone gave me your address… the snowflakes hitting the train window… the embrace you tried to gave me… the tea, and your hand caressing mine… and his eyes… those black, piercing orbs that stare at mine, creating a deep hole inside of me… and reviving the hate I feel for him…

I'm tired… I feel numb and unconscious… suddenly I let go and fall to my knees, then to the floor. I guess it's over…

But I my head never hits the stone floor…

I can't tell what's happening… I can't move, I feel peace and relief but at the same time confusion and disorder around me… I notice my neck is resting somewhere, I can't tell where but it's something soft… I can't feel the rest of my body, but I know my head is hanging from the place where my neck is placed… I figure out I'm lying somewhere… no… I'm being held by someone. My neck, now I recognize, is over an arm… a strong arm that's holding my body. I'm moving… no… the person who's holding me is moving… and taking me somewhere…

I know I have to open my eyes… I know I have to know where am I been taken but I can't… I can't feel the muscles on my eyelids in order to open my eyes… I need to know what happened but I can't move and feel numb…

Voices… I can here people talking around me… they seem desperate and hurried… I make an effort and at last recognize my position… someone's carrying me, an arm under my neck and upper back, and another under the back of my knees… my arms fall lifeless and I can't feel my legs yet…

I know I should make one last effort and open my eyes… I have to know who's carrying me, I can't keep this under control… not while I still can think… I hardly open my eyes a millimeter… but that's enough to recognize… Him.

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**Muhahaha! **

**TBC,**

**Review! **


	5. Argument

**Hi readers! Thanks for all the encouraging reviews you left, I'm so glad you're liking this story. Here's the next chapter. **

**Thanks for the reviewer who made me notice I hadn't wrote the '-' sign before the 30 degrees Celsius, I was reading the fic last night and realized. Also thanks for reading the story. **

**Okay now on with the chapter. Next one is probably the last one.

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What you have and I want

Chapter 4: Argument.

I feel good. I'm not cold any longer, I'm breathing normally and all that confusion I was seems to have disappeared. Flashbacks start coming to my mind, about the snow, the harbor, the river… and suddenly I remember his eyes.

I know I have to wake up… I still can think, can breathe… I have to wake up and know where I am… why I'm not longer feeling that numbness? Why I no longer feel his arms below me, and instead I feel something warm… something soft…

Where am I?

I tight my fists and hardly open my eyes. Blurred figures of a man and a woman are sitting at both sides of me. They look worried and in the air hangs a confusion atmosphere. I feel my heart start beating faster when I recognize you… you're here and I seem to have been unconscious for some time. As you later confirm, I actually was unconscious when you find me and brought me here.

I can't say anything… I want to scream, to tell him everything I feel for him… let him know all the hatred that he encouraged inside of me… but everything that comes out of my mouth is a slight and weak… "…why?"

You sigh, and take my hand on yours as you've done before in the kitchen. He stays there, he's going to be the one who gives me the answer because after all he was the one to follow me and bring me back _home_. And if he dare tries to touch me I won't think things twice… and will hit him, hard.

"Kai… I followed you… Because we love you… and know that maybe we've been mistaken but-" There he goes the wrong way. How can he speak so bluntly and talk about the past years as if I had lived here with you all the time? This time I can help it and stand abruptly, choosing your side to get out of the bed you put me in.

"No! You don't love me! I'm just your son, the one you decided to forgot, you wanted to forget me, pretend I didn't exist while you knew that I needed you, but what? You tried to ignore me and those things aren't good to do to a son!!" My throat already ached before, and shouting only makes things worse. But there's no other way to express all the hatred I feel for him.

I look at you and place a hand on your shoulder. Maybe I do this because I notice you're crying, and I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm just expressing myself against him. You both have done things that are wrong, but I know that with you I can talk in other ways, I can tell you what I like and don't like and maybe you'll get it. He won't.

"Kai, please… listen to me…" there he asks. He's going worse with every step he gives.

"Listen to you? LISTEN TO YOU?! I'VE NEEDED TO BE LISTENED ALL THE YEARS OF MY LIFE, AND YOU WEREN'T THERE!!! AND NOW YOU WANT _ME_ TO LISTEN?!" Fury comes unconsciously out of my voice. I can't control the situation any longer, but I know I don't have to runaway or I could end up as I did before, and that's the least thing I want.

"Kai calm down! -he keeps talking in a loud, but clear voice. While you look confused and don't stop crying. My hand on your shoulder tenses up, and I remove it when I realize I might be hurting you, in fact, the yellowish color in the skin of my hand tells me I was tightening my hold in an excessive way. - Everything that happened has an explanation, Kai, you must understand us…"

"Must?" - I laugh sarcastically, and he stares at me, unable to understand. Bah, what would he understand, if, after all, he left his family on his father's charge, ignoring what _really _was a must. His next question remembers me of one my own grandfather made me, and so I answer the same way.

"Why do you laugh?"

"Coz it's a joke. I'm tired of having to do what other people tell me to do!! I don't have to understand anything Demyan, I came looking for my past and that's the only souvenir I'll take when I go back to Japan." I state. You look disappointed. What? Maybe you thought I was staying here for eternity and living with you for the resting years of my life? No way. Even if he wasn't here I'd do that.

"We thought you'd…" he tries to say. But then I'm tired of them _thinking _what I would do, what I am, what I could be doing all the time you were here pretending you had no son.

"You thought nothing! If you had ever wondered about something, you would have looked for me at last, asked about me, lots of people know me here in Russia and it wasn't that hard to ask any of them! But you didn't! You thought anything about me, and I just wanted you to be there! I had imagined you dead, I had thought you weren't there because you couldn't, not because you didn't want to know anything about your son! I thought… I THOUGHT I MATTERED MORE TO YOU THAN YOUR TEDDY BEAR!!!" I shout. My eyes open wide when I feel Demyan's hands grab hold of my arms. I don't know if he's trying to prevent me from hitting him, because in that case he's doing just the opposite that what he should really do, that is stay away.

I force my arms against him, but I have to admit, he's strong. I watch your horror face witnessing our rude movements, I try to free myself while Demyan tries to retain what? Another thought. Another illusion he had about his son. He knows nothing about me, knows nothing about the place where he let my grandfather bring me up, has no idea about my strength and my abilities.

Finally I manage to free myself, though it was something hard to do I'm always able to take care of me. I push hard against his chest, and he walks some steps back. I stare into his black eyes, he stares at me in such horror, I think he finally gets to know the monster he let grow up.

I smirk proudly. I guess I'll let this one live… you would suffer more than necessary if you saw how much hatred flows in my veins. "Kai I…" he tries to say. But something worse than everything else I've ever heard makes us both look in horror… your scream. "STOP IT!!" Your eyes are shut, you've stood up from where you were sitting, and now you've grabbed Demyan's hands, something I thought you wouldn't have the courage to do. He looks dangerous, but maybe he isn't for you?

Tears streaming down your cheeks, you're terrified but also devastated, I can tell by the look on your eyes. I see that fiery I used to see in mine when I'm so mad at something, and at the same time, I can't control things that I thought were not that difficult.

"…Please… Please stop fighting… Demyan leave him alone… leave Kai alone…" you plead. You seem to fear me, and yes, you have many reasons to do it. But I didn't want you to fear me… I have to do something to repair the damage I've made inside of you… I wanted to let him, and not you, feel all the hate I had inside.

I place a hand on your shoulder again and mouth a 'sorry'. I have no reason to apologize for, and I know that. However, I feel guilty for making you suffer like that… you cared for me, I can sense it. And in return, I hurt you, and that's something I've learned not to do with people that care for me.

I leave you alone on the bedroom where we were, and head back towards the room that was mine, not without grabbing the diary that's still on the kitchen table before. I close the room door behind me and sit on the floor, my back against it in order to prevent you from getting in. I turned the lights on, just because I'm going to read. I have just realized I didn't read more than a line from this book, and guess that if I'm planning to leave tomorrow, maybe this will tell me the answers you couldn't give me.

I open it in the first page. I hadn't noticed there were photos on it. My eyes open wide as I see my own image, just about twelve years younger. And next to it… there's him.

I frown at the sight of me, happy, while he's holding my arms in the same way he did today… but in the picture none of us is fighting, none of us is angry, and none of us know, or maybe he knows but I don't, what would happen in an year… what would happen on November 9th the same year… when he leaves me… and Voltaire takes me for his own.

I start reading the notes my-- Halina, made on each day. There's not much written, just simply words from a mother who sounds completely proud of her son.

I move my sight from the paper and look at my hands… they're not similar to her in any way. I have to remember… I must remember I'm not only _her_ son, but I'm Demyan's son too… whether I like it or not, my eyes are from Halina and my hands are like his. I shook my head at the thought. What a stupid thing to think about.

A noise outside makes me gasp, and I turn around to see that someone has just knocked the door. "Kai? It's me. I… I'd like to talk to you" it's your voice. What if I let you come inside? Maybe you'll explain things better? Maybe you could tell me what happened when I was six, why I wanted to go with my father, and why he didn't let me? And so then, why I got involved with my grandfather's organization, under the excuse of willing to be like him?

"Yeah. C'mon" I answer at last. But I retract myself for not clarifying something, and I add, "Alone." Then I move, and you come inside. I can see Demyan behind you, who turns round and walks away without meeting my eyes.

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**TBC,**

**Review!**


	6. Goodbye

**Hi everyone! This is the last chapter… yeah. But then it comes an epilogue, if you want to know. So don't keep your eyes out of the story. **

**Note: I take Kai's birth on November 9th, 1988.**

**Hope you like it, beyblade's not mine, but Halina and Demyan are. **

**Here's the chap:

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What you have and I want

Chapter 5: Goodbye. 

You sit in the bed, I stay in the floor in spite of the lower position that gives me. I look at you, and you sigh, like trying to process many things you're to explain in the next moment.

"Demyan met me in Odessa, when I was studying to be an architect. He was in the city for business reasons, apparently something that had to do with his father. Later I found out, Voltaire Hiwatari was the man, and he ruled an important enterprise, that had the bases situated in Moscow. I didn't know then who I was with, I knew nothing about the story that Demyan held in his veins." - You pause. You don't seem to like this particular part of the story, wonder what will you say next.-

"There's when I got pregnant. We had… a big argument with Demyan, whether to keep the baby or not. And we decided to keep it. Though he told me what his father was up to, and the dangerous he could be, I decided to keep the baby alive and fight against anything that could mean losing you." -you talk as if you'd done something heroic, but I know you've done nothing to find me, in fact, I was the one to find you so you weren't as interested in me as you've been saying. But I say anything. I let you speak, this time.-

"We had the baby, and everything he had told me about his father and the organization seemed to be whole lies during the first five years. You were risen up in Moscow as any child, sometimes forgetting you were Voltaire Hiwatari's son. That thing didn't matter to you, what would you understand of power and ambition at that age." -I frown when you say that. I know what's about coming, and that's what I want to know the most.-

"However… in the year 1993, when you were five, things started to go wrong on the Hiwatari Enterprise, where your father worked. He had never been one of those employees who respected all the rules, instead, he used to introduce many things from his point of view, that were, unsurprisingly, opposite to your grandfather's. But as for being his son, Voltaire conceded him some special permissions, though they were never enough for him to stop introducing his own ideas. There's when he had a big argument with Voltaire, who ordered him to leave the city." - you close your eyes, I've learned to take this gesture coming from you as a danger signal, or that something hard is coming.

"That's why he left? Because my grandfather ordered him to?" I demand. If that was his simple reason, he shouldn't have obeyed. After all, how many times I myself have disobeyed him, without getting a severe punishment back?

Anyway, you shook your head. "As you may know better than me, Voltaire gives a condition if you don't do something he expects you to do. And with Demyan wasn't the exception. Voltaire…-I can see how tears, that I don't understand, start forming in your eyes. -Voltaire told him… he'd kill his son… if he ever thought of going back to Moscow."

I gasp at this sentence. Certainly, I wasn't expecting _that_ punishment. I try to imagine how it would be if someone threatened me to kill my son… and I find out I can't think of that as a possible fact. "and that's why he left?" I ask, still shocked by the previous sentence, but nonetheless wanting to know more.

You nod slightly. Demyan tried to convince his father to let him stay, but if he stayed, he would have to accurate his behavior to that one that the corporation expected from him… and you know how Voltaire takes beyblade. For the contrary, if he left, he would be able to decide what to do with his career, and his son would, if everything went as we hoped, be safe. But you know Voltaire and his people, and as soon as Demyan left the city--"

"What happened when he left? How did that happen?" I interrupt you. Maybe this is the dream scene? I need to find out. You sight, and low your sigh.

"When he told you, that you had to stay with me, that you couldn't go with him, you didn't find sense to it. Your father left us at eleven at night, a taxi came to look for him and you never saw him again since that moment. That night you didn't sleep. You cried all night, and even though I tried to comfort you, you wouldn't stop saying your father's name. And, something we didn't expect at all, was your grandfather coming to see us the next morning." I listen carefully. So everything was part of my dear grandfather's plan to take me for him? Why did I have to be so special?

"That morning, was November 9th. It was raining… but nevertheless Voltaire came, '_to visit',_ he would explain. I couldn't believe him, not since what had happened between him and your father. I was in the kitchen, and you had stayed with him in the living room. As I had the keys, he wouldn't leave the house and take you anywhere. But what I didn't think, was that he could be talking to you, in such modified voice that could make anyone believe he was being sincere. You agreed to go with him, with the exact words you read on the diary." You sigh, you seem relieved, but at the same time, worried about me.

"And you didn't prevent me from going? You said nothing?" I inquire. I still can't believe my grandfather's manipulations.

"A gun… can stop anything, easily. Though it wasn't going to stop me if I was the one to be killed, Voltaire always threatened us with the warning that you could be the one to die. And I had to let you go… Kai. I'm… sorry… I had no news about you for three days, and when I went and looked for Voltaire, I found him crying, sitting in a bench… I asked what happened… and he told me… he told me he had been assaulted… and they had took you as his hostage… and one of his men had tried to interfere, and… you had already… already being burnt… I was so stupid…" you don't stop sobbing at the slight idea that I could have died.

You wipe away your tears, trying to keep talking, but I know you can't. You're so confused, and feel so betrayed, I can almost feel what you're feeling right now. He told you I had died. I had been killed.

I sigh. My life was not in risk, at any of those moments. Voltaire was just playing with my mother and father, was just tickling them for them to free me… and they let me unprotected. Maybe it was true, that they had had no choice… maybe it was true.

I sigh again, and stand up. I walk unconsciously to where you are, and place both hands on your shoulders. You gasp in fear… yeah, I was right that you fear me a lot… you try to move back, but I keep you where you are.

"Halina…- finally I speak. -thanks a lot… for telling me this. I know you both have done many mistakes… but I also know that you… tried to give the best of you…" I don't know if what I'm saying actually convinces me. But I know it will convince you. I'm not sure of what to think yet, but I know you need an answer, and after all you've told me, you deserve it.

You whisper something, but I don't understand you. I feel, then, in my hands that are still placed on your shoulders, tears. You're crying… and then I realize I have never been so close to a crying woman. I look at you, and you lift your head to look at me.

My eyes meet those that are equal, and then I feel something I've never felt before. Though your eyes are reddish for the tears, I feel a kind of connection I had never experienced… I feel I'm not the only one who cares about me, but you, with every thing you say, I can sense I matter to you…

My left hand gets the corner of your eye and I wipe away some tears, something I hadn't thought I would do. "It's okay… stop crying." I say, repeating the words that were in a distant past, orders to my ears.

Without saying more, you walk out of the room, slowly, and whisper a 'good night'. I know it's late… but maybe tonight I won't be able to sleep either.

I change cloth, clutch the diary tight against my chest, and lay on the bed. I stare at the roof, and pictures of the past two days start coming to my mind. Now you don't frighten me any longer… I pity you… you were just two more puppets of a madman's desire to rule the world…

This isn't how I thought things had gone… I had imagined it all very different from what it was, I had supposed all the time that I was the only one that had thought you were dead. You have just told me, you thought I was dead too.

I sigh when I realize I'm leaving tomorrow, and find myself willing to stay longer. But that will only bring problems, I have already found what I wanted to know, and that's enough for this time. Maybe, some years later, I'll be prepared enough and I'll return.

I smirk when I realize I'm falling asleep. I didn't think it'd be so fast.

_There are two people, at each side of me. I look at them, one has my eyes, and the other one has my hands. Or better, I have her same eyes, and I have his same hands. I feel happy. _

_We're walking on a road, and it's raining. As every November 9th, the pouring rain drenches our hair and cloth. But we don't mind, we're together… we feel good, I know both of them feel good because I can feel what they feel. _

_This is not reality. This is a dream, and I know I have to wake up. _

I sit in the bed. I have a peaceful sensation, strange coming from me. I find it funny. I glance at my watch, seven am, someone must be awake already, I need to go now.

I start putting my things inside my bag, and I take the diary, that was at my side, putting it with the rest of the things inside the bag. I glance once again at the room, once I'm at the door, and close my eyes to keep it's last picture. I start walking through the hallway, and listen a door, opening. It's you.

I walk towards your figure… you're in the same coat you were wearing when you opened me the door, when I first arrived. I look at you, and you smile. "Leaving?" you ask, your voice is weak and seems to hide a deep sadness.

I nod, unable to give a better answer. You gulp, like trying to stop the unstoppable, and I clutch one of your hands in mine. Your eyes widen surprised, you weren't expecting that gesture from me. "It's fine like this." I answer. But your eyes seem persistent, and then I get what you refer to.

My eyes reveal some horror, but you smile comprehensively, and whisper an 'it's okay'. I shudder, maybe you're right.

I sit on one of the armchairs, in the same living room that was there on my dream. The snowstorm outside seems to have stopped for a while, and maybe if I hurry I can catch the train, and go back. How many things happened here, things I'll take with me… forever. You won't try to stop me… you couldn't. Knowing that you never stopped those who brought me up, makes me think you won't try to stop me from leaving you. You're already accustomed to live without me, without your son.

There you come, Demyan's behind you. He doesn't seem scared any longer, it seems you had to convince him to come, as you had to convince me to let him come.

You walk to the door, the key in your hand, and open it. It's not snowing, but it's dark still. You offer me to call a taxi, but I say that, as I arrived here walking, I'll leave walking. I glance at the house once again… the kitchen, the living room, and the stairs that take to the attic can be seen from this place. How many memories.

I look at Demyan. He looks at me, and I realize I no longer feel his piercing black eyes as uncomfortable as I felt before. Now he doesn't look like a dangerous man. He reaches a hand to my side… I don't know if I should take it, he's trying to shake hands with me.

Maybe that's the most honest thing I've seen him doing, and he deserves I hold his hand. I think it twice, maybe three times. I'm not sure about it, but I slowly get my hand close to his, you're always there, controlling everything. I guess that's another thing I have from you. Finally my hand reaches his. I hadn't realized how much alike our skins are… it's rough, as I had thought before.

We shake hands, and the eye lock isn't broken. I smirk as I see him smirking. I know some things I feel for him will never change… but I know that everything was not his fault, and that makes me feel relieved in some point.

Then I turn to you. You want to give me the embrace you couldn't give me at the beginning, I can sense that. I give a step forward, I know I don't know how I will do that but I know I have to try… you can't imagine how much time will pass for me to come back here. When I'm close enough I nod, and you, getting my message, round me with your arms. It isn't a strong hug you give me, you seem afraid to hurt me or something like that. But you kiss my cheek, and your hands rub my back. I stay still, do nothing to hug you back. It's when we get apart, that I hold your hands in mine, and with my eyes say a 'thank you' I'm sure you will understand. Everything ends here.

I walk back, and start walking. Once I'm half block from the building I turn around and stare at… _home._ There are things I'll never forget.

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**THE END.**

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	7. Epilogue

**Hi! Thanks for all the reviews and your support during this story. Just if someone wondered, Stadavok is a city I invented, because I didn't want to use any real place for his parent's house.

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What you Have and I Want

Epilogue. 

I can see the land from this window, covered by the just fallen snow. The train's moving fast… I still can't believe what happened.

I went back to Russia, to Stadavok specifically, to see you. And I saw you, and saw him. You both believed I was dead… while I believed you were dead. I'm surprised by how easily a misunderstanding can occur. If it hadn't been because of that, maybe I would be living with you since long, or at least going back to see you, without all the doubts and questions I went two days ago.

Although I have slept last night, I feel tired. Not willing to sleep, but tired by all the recent events I was exposed to. It's understandable… I'm human…

I laugh at my own thought. I hadn't said that to me before, but now I realize, I have parents, they're alive… and so I'm just another human, another person like everybody else I know. I'm nothing special… but since when I thought I could be?

Maybe, being able to tolerate low temperatures, live without eating much, without sleeping, and taking into account my strength and abilities undoubtedly superior to the rest of the guys I know of my age, I had reasons to question all the things I had questioned to myself. How was I risen up to be… the monster I am.

When I think that, I can't help remembering the fight I held with him. You must be remembering it now, it was a memorable thing as many other situations I can't remember yet, but I know that took place, as his departure.

I'm relieved to at least know some part of my story… well, what you told me is the only thing that I needed to know… the rest will come in dreams, in flashbacks, and maybe… some day, I return to ask you about them… when I don't understand.

I have so many things to process now… to think about, to remember. In some way I feel sad this journey had to end… but I also know that if I stayed there any longer… that would probably bring more arguments, and I'm aware you won't be able to stand another fight.

I guess it's fine like this… I guess this information, the photos and what's written in the diary, will be enough… to at least know me. I sigh, when I remember I almost died there in the cold snowstorm.

If it hadn't been for you… I would have died. It was him the one who saved me… who took me back home. I wonder if he did that because he wanted to, or because you told him to do it. I remember he was very afraid.

I look in my bag, it's getting colder and I'll see if I have some coat to put on… but the only sweater I took here is the one I'm wearing. I sigh again, and frown when I notice something… is missing. I look into my bag, and look again. I can't have drop it accidentally… can I? I look one more time, and I soon notice it isn't there. A copy of the picture on my identity card… maybe I drop it when I suddenly grabbed the rucksack before leaving.

I was stupid in not leaving it somewhere else… well, I guess you'll find it there on the floor… and that way have a reminder of what was a short stay… of your son. After all, you're not a spy, and I don't have to care about you having my photo.

The snowstorm is calming… this weather seems to go with me everywhere I go… unstable periods of storms… ha… I low my sigh, I think I should try to stop thinking about anything that comes to my mind and sleep…

It's dark outside… both because of the storm, and because it's still eight am. I frown… 24 hours ago, I was still getting to know you… I was exploring the house and I found the diary. How many things can happen in… let's see… I arrived there at six, then I talked to you, I fall asleep, then he came, then I ran away, he brought me back, we fought, and you finally told me what I went looking for… and then I decided to leave… at seven. I blink when I realize I didn't spend more than 25 hours with you… a short time for all the things that happened.

What a stupid thought… keeping my mind in what has happened, will only make things worse and I will confuse myself more, if that's possible.

It seems the train's stopping. We're getting to some town. As I'm alone in this carriage, I realize many trains don't get so north, and people will start getting inside from now on, as we go south, way to Moscow. My plane will probably be waiting there. Wonder where I will go? Now, the least thing I want is to go to my grandfather's.

I see through the window how hurried people get inside some carriages. Fortunately, no one comes into mine, but a black haired girl, not so tall. I look at her, she doesn't know I'm here. She's wearing a dark blue strapless, a grey coat, and black trousers. Her hair is dyed black and dark blue. She sits there, and glances at the window.

I do the same, look through my window again and see that we're moving again. Everything's done, I have nothing to worry about. With your face on my mind, and next to it, his face, I fall in a deep sleep. I will go back to you… someday.

* * *

**I really appreciate all your reviews, and I'm very thankful to all the people who read this story. I dedicate it to my father, who lives with me physically, but I have assumed that with his mind, he lives somewhere else, somewhere distant where he doesn't want to be found. **

**Thanks to my mother and Carlos for having listened to this story. Thanks to my father for trying and reading some of it. Thanks to Rina, Öykü, and Bladz-Liska for reviewing and supporting the whole way. **

**I love you.**

**mikaera. **


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